i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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