so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
