So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
