If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
