forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
