3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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