so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Randomize
