1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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