he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
