I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
