We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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