He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
