I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
