I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
