my mouth tastes like poor choices
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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