I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
