well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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