mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
