My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
