I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
