As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
