I wish I could teleport
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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