You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
