...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
