worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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