I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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