I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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