I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
