i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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