i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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