I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
