life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
