Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
