I wish my penis had an off switch
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
