What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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