I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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