I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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