Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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