woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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