so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am midnight drunk by noon
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
