I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
