So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
