i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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