What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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