i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
