So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm always down for nudity.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
