I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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