two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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