I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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