I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
