Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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