Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
