apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
