I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
