you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
