My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
