If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Send help, water and tortillas.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
