Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
