i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
