before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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