Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
